Bar Advice... As Promised

Tips on how to not spend very much money when you want to go out to the bars:

1. The first drink anywhere has to be non-alcoholic. You think to yourself, what the hell do they serve without alcohol? Well, there's an array of soda, cranberry juice (my favorite), lemonade, and in some places- coffee. Not to mention water, which seems to be the cooler of choice. Of course, there's a trade-off with water. Water kind of screams to everyone either "I hate drinking, but here I am in a bar," or worse, "I have a problem and I'm drinking this water to get rid of it."
2. Every other drink is Cranberry juice. This is golden because Cranberry masks the taste of cigarette, whiskey, rum, or gin. It's also very nice to have on your tongue if you end up getting some lip action later. Yea baby!
3. Never chug. So what if the drink gets watered down because you're nursing it like a four year old. Everything the bartender put in your drink is still there-- so drink up! But slower.
4. This is an oldie but a goodie. If you know a bartender is still a little green to the game, ask them if they've been working on any brand-new drinks. Things that aren't on the menu, so to speak. If it's not on the menu, they can't charge you, can they? Good things.

These actions have helped me to spend a total of $4 as opposed to the usual 10 or 15. It helps to be friends with the bartender. Not like, "Hey buddy!" (high five) every time you see them, but let's say they get in a fix with some rowdy customers. It always helps to have his back-- even if you're just standing there. Girls, obviously you want to stay away from getting in a brawl, so the best thing to do is stroke his ego once he returns from throwing people out. "That guy looked mean! I thought he was going to hit you! (jokingly) Can you throw someone else out for me? Etc. Etc." Bing! Did someone say shots?

The other tip is to stay out of bars that don't have barstools at the bar. They're expecting people to get in and get out with their order. They care little about the customers, and a lot about tips. Tips are really important-- but not for a bartender that takes 5 minutes to bring you a fucking Michelob and 10 seconds to pour some bitch a cosmopolitan. I actually drink Budweiser, but Michelob seemed to fit better. Don't ask.

Doo bee dooo!

I'm kinda shitfaced right now, but luckily I wrote this blog about 6 hours ago just in case this would happen. Here it goes:kl

The job hunt continues, but I have several leads. It's really just a matter of getting off my fat ass and making things happen. Ideally, I would work for the place Alex was talking about temporarily, cleaning offices. I like this potential job since the hours are from 5-11pm, and I'd never work saturday nights.

I'd also like to get a job working some low-wage food service. I know-- you guys are thinking, "Why the hell would you do that when you are obviously possess superior intellect and qualifications?" Well, the fact is, I want one job where I can make 8-10 bucks an hour and use that to pay bills... and another job where I have the opportunity to make cash every time I work (tips). If I limit money made from the hourly job to JUST needs, and tip money for wants (booze and women) then I will have successfully managed my income priorities.

If anyone is wondering how things are going with Awesome, then let's just say she has been indefinitely downgraded back to being called "JR". The main reason for this is that 1. On New Year's Eve, she invited me over to crash after I was hanging out with my friends, and when I got there (friends dropped me off) she left me out to dry. It was roughly 30 degrees outside, and I had no choice but to walk back to the party, about a mile away. It was a brisk walk, at least. I could have called some other friends, but really, on NYE, who's going to risk that? I didn't want to put that burden on anyone I knew.

The other thing is that last night, I spent the evening with JR, and I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie and get some coffee. She declined, preferring to just stay in and watch a video. So we did that, and then went to bed. It wasn't so bad, except she woke me up at 8am (we went to bed around 1:30am) and wanted to get coffee right then. So I get up and stumble into my clothes. Being the warm morning person I am---NOT---- I was sure to express my gratitude by chugging a Negra Modelo from her fridge when she wasn't looking. Yum yum. Perks you right up, baby.

So as I'm walking out the door with her, she stops before coming out and says, "I think I'll meet you there."
"Uh... okay. Do you have to be somewhere later?"
"No, I just want to take my car." but not with you in it
Since it was at least 10 degrees outside, I sat in my car as it warmed up. I wondered why she wouldn't want to go together-- and right as the snotdrop coming out of my nose froze solid, I realized it was probably for the same reason she didn't want to go out last night, either. So to test it, I decided to just go home and hang out for a bit, shower, change, etc. If she called me up asking where I was, then she really did want to hang out. If not, she'd be too embarrassed to call in front of everyone she knows at the coffee shop, since she also works there, therefore proving my realization after all.

whateh eff....

Anyway, I ended up going over about 45 minutes later and she was there, reading some magazine. Not even a glance. Fine. You want to keep it chill when I marathon your ass the previous evening, but if this is fear of PDA, then that's a little much. So I ignored her right back. Did a xword, drank some coffee, had a smoke, and left. She hasn't called to ask where I am, so as far as I know, I'm off the hook.

As I drove to my mom's place to raid her fridge, I noticed I had a missed call from DC at about 12:30 AM last night. I ignored it, and proceeded with my day. Stay away from the Devil Woman, I thought.

Then DC called again-- very uncharacteristic of her, considering she has HGADD, which stands for Hot Girl Attention Deficit Disorder. In other words, she's batty. Anyway, I answered, and she asked me to call her later when I go out. We'll see about that.

So that's an update of my exploits, but I want to finish up with a few resolutions.

And they will be finished tomorrow. So... tune in.

Some Luck Continues

For those of you following the blow-by-blow I just wanted to update that Awesome *did* manage to get out of her NYE trip--- but that still leaves a couple of questions unanswered. One-- was it her doing, and two-- is she going to follow through on the "prospective" obligatory date she has with her neighbor? I've already gotten past the fact that she very well may not be spending NYE with me. After all it's kind of a loaded holiday-- especially to reunite with an ex. Perhaps I should be thankful that I'm potentially dodging an evening filled with significance and expectations.

So there's that. Also, today is officially my birthday. I turn 24 today-- but I still have 6 years left to prove to certain naysayers (mom!) that I will live past 30. My liver is still (somewhat) intact, I can hold my breath for more than 60 seconds, and if I have to, run from the police without getting tired (but I will be sore the next day-- it's a compromise).

To commemorate the event, here is a short list of accomplishments and things I've successfully been able to avoid in all 24 years of my life.

1. I once went 20 years without drinking any alcohol. Shut up, it counts.
2. I achieved my lifelong dream of working for a large newspaper, wrote stories, took photos, and was an integral part of the paper itself. Then I got fired. Oh well-- NEW GOALS! Woohoo!
3. I harbored a 10 foot neon sign in my living room after my friends stole it from a place that went out of business. We eventually returned it after the disappointing realization that we weren't going to make the 6 o'clock news.
   
4. I have yet, *knock on wood* to get a VD of any kind. Mononucleosis when I was 16 does not count, even though it is a form of herpes. It's like chicken pox, you assholes! Everyone gets it! And the reason it burned when I peed last year is not because I had the germ, but because my penis is too big urine is literally 250 degrees Fahrenheit. Like Chuck Norris, I eventually adapted and learned to use it as a weapon.
   
5. So far I've slept with over 20 women. This is NOT an accomplishment of any kind, nor is it anything to be proud of. I repeatedly feel saddened when I'm asked if I know a girl that people doubt I know-- and it turns out I've slept with her. Anyway, the real achievement here is that none of them would kick me out of their bed. YEA BABY! But don't worry-- I still have a deep respect and appreciation for everyone I've shagged.

That's all folks!!!!

Gentleman with some luck

This is a slightly revised version of the post named "Lucky Gentleman" or something like that. I don't remember, and I'm too lazy to actually check, so just go with it.

Anyway, the idea is that I'm not really lucky in general, I just have a lot of luck and I'm a gentleman about how I decide to carry out these actions. I'll give you a few examples.

First. We'll call this little nugget "CP," which is short for Cattle Prod. Yes, that's right. One night, I got a call from JB asking me if I'd like to come over to make out with CP, since CP had broken up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago and was feeling horny lonely. I gracefully declined this offer, thinking this is not the kind of thing I do, no matter how crazy people think I am. A couple weeks later, CP is showing me photos from her digital camera of a guy FUCKING her, and makes a special note of the cattle prod laying across her naked body. I remembered back when I first met CP, she was at a different bar, and was much more sober than today (these days). She seemed like a sweet girl with a little bit of rebellion. Such was not the case, obviously. Along with that cattle prod she had duck tape wrapped around random areas of her body. I did my best to smile with amusement, but could barely contain the upchuck forcing its way up my throat.

Second. JB herself decided to make a move on me. This was the same night I had a wonderful evening with JR-- henceforth known as Awesome. Anyway, JB knew nothing about the date with Awesome, since she runs in different circles, but decided nonetheless to offer her physical being to me, at my disposal, whenever I so chose. Obviously, I declined this offer. JB is a nice girl, behind that iron curtain of vodka bottles, and she really seems like she needs a nice guy like me in her life--- only, I'm too young to deal with her bullshit, she's too drunk ALL THE TIME, and worst of all--- she likes to make a scene. That's an instant zap in my book. INSTANT ZAP.

I could go on with the third and fourth ones, but they require WAY too much explanation, and my faithful readers would probably appreciate a bit of brevity at this point. (sorry guys)

So I managed to wiggle some time in with Awesome tonight by offering to pick her up from duh pub (not to be confused with the REAL pub, which I will always refer to as "The Bar"). Her friend was a little catty, complained most of the time, and generally came off as a girl who would basically rip my face off if I gave her the opportunity. I grew anxious as Awesome, Face-Ripper-Offer and I sat there, sipping our brews, talking about our respective Christmastimes. Face-Ripper-Offer stayed only long enough to evaluate me, then give Awesome a thumbs up or down. Apparently, by Face-Ripper-Offer leaving on her own accord, it was a signal to Awesome that she felt comfortable leaving her (Awesome) with me alone. Awesome later confirmed this by telling me that Face-Ripper-Offer commented that I was cute and funny while I wasn't looking.


Duh.

Anyway, after F-R-O left, Awesome and I just kind of sat dazed for a while. She had this look like she wanted to tell me something, but wouldn't let herself. I hate those situations. You know it's not your place to push for it-- yet having it on your mind makes it really difficult to pursue other topics of idle conversation.

FF>>

Awesome and I are sitting in my car at her place, sort of looking for the signal from one another. After a silence broke out, I finally asked her if I could kiss her. More like, "Can I just kiss you now? Seriously?"
She shook her head no, and sort of leaned away. But her eyes... oh, my friends, her eyes said she lied.
"Bullshit," I said, and I kissed her. she kissed back

Well, don't they always kiss back at first? Of course they do, at first, but that's just reaction. Anyway, she began to press against my chest and I moved with her hands as if the lightest touch could guide me. More chatting. "I should go," she said, and gripped the door-- failing to actually open it. "That's a sign," I said, but immediately unlocked the door for her-- but leaned in at the same time.

After we finished kissing, she asked me what time I needed to meet my sister. "It's tentative," I replied, "I'd say we have another twenty minutes."

For fifteen of those minutes she revealed to me that the person she was "prospectively" going to have NYE with was her neighbor; that this person and her were traveling to New Orleans to visit a friend of hers' and that she had no idea what was going to happen. Then she said, "You know what I really hate... about you?"

My mind reeled with a myriad of things to hate about me.

"You have the worst timing," she said.
I paused, smiled, and respectfully disagreed. "I think I have pretty good timing. If this means that there's even a small chance that while you're down in New Orleans with that other guy, that I'll be in the back of your head at any point during that trip, then I have the best timing in the world."
"If it means," I continued, "That at some point you wonder what it'd be like if you were there with me instead of him, then I have some pretty damn good timing. Because the way I see it, if I had waited a second longer to come to you, that chance might not exist."

After a long pause, she noticed the clock was nearing the 5-minute mark of when I said I'd have to leave. She looked at me and said, "Can we, just for the next five minutes, not think about anything but kissing each other?"

Certainly. Most certainly.

Happy New Years... and Happy Birthday to me in less than 21 hours.

A Festivus for the Rest of Us

At last, the Christmas season is tumbling to an end. Already, Wal-Mart and Target have begun carting out obscene amounts of candy with pink wrappers in preparation for Valentine's Day. Hendog said it best: America is not a democratic society; it is a capitalist society. Long gone are the days when our sacred past-times slowly creep up on the calendar, only to suddenly arrive with little warning and rabid fanfare. Now, America prepares to celebrate holidays months ahead of time by offering useless riff-raff for which the public has embraced as "tradition" and so pressures its citizens to "need". Things like mass-produced candy in lieu of home cooked treats, video games that promote vandalism and violence instead of a joy ride with the family to the city.

Despite all that, the shameless profitism of days where loving one another has been replaced with the subtle giving (as in buying) for others, in spite of that... now that the day itself is finally here, I could not be happier with the friends and family that God has blessed me with.

My friend T used to say, "Only on Earth," when strange truths were revealed. He has a point. Thank God for free will, the ability to screw every imaginable thing up and still be blessed with the support of loved ones. No one is beyond salvation, holy, literal, or imagined. Not a one.

God bless all of you.

Good Timing

Part 1.

Perspective: I'm sitting on my chair listening to Johnny Cash's "I Walk The Line". This song goes further for me than I ever would have expected when I first listened to it. As I sit in my kinda-shabby apartment, watching Sister's cats body slam each other, I think of the last couple of nights. A girl heretofore to be known as JB hit on me. Hard Core. I realized this ridiculous circumstance mainly because JB (a figment in my life) decided to tell me that she was up for grabs, and all I had to do was call her and she was there for the taking.. The problem? I'm not a manwhore. The other problem? How could I meaningfully be pursuing DC if I took the easy out and got laid with JB?

My dilemma is simple. There's a girl I could have had in a heartbeat if I so chose, meanwhile, a girl that treats me like shit that I've been chasing since June.

What a fucking minute. I have DC blowing me off every chance she gets, meanwhile, there's another chick saying, "Here. I'm yours. Come and get it." People who know me really well know that I hate the absence of challenge. I have mixed feelings when a super-drunk girl hits on me, even if she knows me well. Obviously, there's the initial "Hell yea!" at being wanted in the first place, especially for something like an easy sexcapade. But the thing that kept me from going for it was only PARTLY about DC. It was more about me thinking, this cannot be the product of months and months of going out to the bars and being "Me". So I stop. I think about it. I listen to myself. Here's what myself was saying:

JB made me realize two things with her drunken attempt to sack me. First, she made me realize that with my current behavior, IE, drinking and being a bar rat, only someone who knew me well enough to know that I would probably turn them dow-- and only if that person was drunk as fuck would possibly make me an offer like that.

Yea, that's not depressing at all. Secondly, JB made me realize that the first thing that came to mind as she offered all these things was the thought of someone who had been treating me like CRAP finding out about me taking up her offer, and losing my chances completely.

Wow. Can anyone say PATHETIC?

So in one fell swoop, I decided to walk the line. Goodbye, JB. Goodbye, DC. I don't need you any less than you need me, and that's a promise.

Part 2.
Perspective: I'm sitting on my couch in my crappy apartment listening to Matchbox 20. The song is "Unwell". It's a good song for feeling like no one understands the craziness you're going through, or feeling inside. Lately, I've been taking odd jobs working as the UnBouncer (unofficial) for several places. Taking out my aggressions on people who've been deemed unbarworthy, and I get to escort them out the door. It's been a good outlet. I get to feel like the big man, and I don't have to explain my meanness to anyone. If I see them again and they call me out-- hey-- I was just doing my job (at the time).

Just as I decided that DC was out for good, I went to the coffee shop today and wondered how JR was doing. I texted her and asked if she'd like to grab a cup with me. She called me back and said she was in the middle of cleaning her apartment, but if I wanted to drop by with some coffee, that'd be good.

Side Note: I dated JR for two months last year, starting in November 06 and ending in early January 07. Our breakup was quiet for me, but noisy for her. Having said that, I've regretted walking away ever since, and I still think about our time together as a couple, even if there wasn't really a name for it.

I decided to grab a paper and stick it into my bag before heading over with coffee. When I arrived, I pulled out the paper and located the crossword puzzles, which she and I spent a very quiet 30 minutes solving. Suddenly she realized we needed to go to Hobby Lobby to grab more Christmas gift stuff, so we went there. I drove. The evening was slowly evolving into a date. Things were going well. There were flirtations, reminiscences of past dates, trips, and good times, and so on. She made whole wheat angel hair pasta with home-made pesto sauce. I gotta tell ya, it was really good. I don't know if I was just REALLY freaking hungry, or if I was just happy to be in her company again, but that felt like the best home-cooked meal I've had since T-day. Schnazzas! yow.

After the meal, I asked her if she wanted to go see the Christmas lights at the square. She looked at me very suspiciously, (which I confirmed with a sneaky grin) and reluctantly (maybe just hesitantly) agreed. I kept thinking to myself if I stop smiling, I'm going to frown for the rest of the night, because I'm so damn sure that my plans are going to get shot to hell. My plan? Go for the walk with the lights, let the romance set in, then lay it out there. Then ask if she has plans for NYE, and if not, ask her out.

Part 3.
Perspective: I'm sitting in my couch, listening to The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again". I've got a big, stupid grin on my face. JR already has a date for NYE, but she allowed a kiss... or two... or more than a few. She lamented on how confused this all made her-- which to me is a great sign. Confusion is good. Confusion isn't "No."

Now, just so you guys know, I really do like JR. As I said before, I "Laid it all out there". That, in effect, is me saying that since we broke up, that I have never forgotten her, and that my feelings have remained unchanged. I tried (up until recently) to distract myself, but I've been unsuccessful because no other girl is like JR. She will just blurt random observations out. She is a conversationalist, and even better, she's fucking brilliant. She's beautiful to me. She appears innocent, but she's got the heart of a sage. She's a lover of life, to the point where ridiculous events are more valuable to her than others simply because she sees the value of telling the story of it later.

As the evening ended, she left acting amused and bemused alike, and me feeling wishful and confident altogether.

I promise, tomorrow, I'll be much funnier.

I'm kind of a big deal.

That's right, people.... this is the 30th blog so far. Not too shabby considering it seems like just yesterday when I was pondering whether this blog would make it after its first post or fizzle out like the majority. It would appear that not only have I got something to say-- but that I can say it over and over again, 30 times. Hooray me.

Since I love lists so much (those numbered paragraphs spelling out in no particular sequence my random epiphanies throughout the day) I decided to go ahead and give this occurrence a name. Therefore, I hereby christen all lists henceforth "Hit Lists". No doubt the FBI will be reading my blog more often now, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. Who knows, maybe the feds will read this and see some way to capitalize on my ability to rant.

On we go.

1. I saw "I Am Legend" today with Sister and Hendog. It was actually really good. I didn't expect much when it came to the plot, but my expectations were a little high with Will Smith as the lead. With no other A-listers co-starring (it is a "last man on earth" story) he is basically carrying the huge weight of smoothing over the movie's many plot errors. Having said that, he performed exceptionally well-- exceptionally human. That's all I ask for.

2. I had to kick the same guy out of three separate bars tonight. I heard shit from some people about their friend and how cool he is-- but how they don't want him around. Too fucking bad. I'm not going to kick your friend out just because he annoys you. Do the world a favor and be honest for once. Even worse is when people see I have some pull with the bar staff, and think I want to have a conversation about how they elbowed someone in the sternum the other day. Nice move, dude. Tell me again why I give a shit? I totally feel for people I previously considered assholes now. I SO fucking relate now.

3. DC was walking up the street just as I was heading to BBR. Don't ask me how, but she suckered me into going to Finn's, which I advised against, and of course, they go in, then leave two minutes later. Instead, they head to George's, where DC is accosted by her stalker. So I had the personal treasure and joy of watching her bitch a guy out for following her around everywhere. No wonder she is so damn sketchy. A guy can't freakin smell DC's fart without him getting jealous. This another reason why I am anti-pacifist at times. Some people have the let-it-go, it's-all-good, it's-cool mentality... well what happens when you wind up with a stalker? no go, no good, not cool.

Anyway, the DC moratorium continues until she at least gives me a damn clue.