A Drunk's Guide To Survival

1. When entering any household where you want to create as little noise as possible, do the following:
1. Take off your shoes before entering.
2. Roll up your pants if they scrape at your heels.
3. Stare at a dark spot before opening the door. Your eyes will adjust to the absence of light, therefore facilitating the prevention of collision with inanimate objects.
4. Breathe through your nose.
2. If anyone ever asks you if you are trying to get home with a girl, always say no. Why?
1. Because she may overhear the conversation.
2. It'll encourage him to try harder, and make you look better.
3. It would just be tacky to say "yes."
   
3. When choosing a midnight snack, try to have the following available:
1. A hard-boiled egg
2. At least one cup of Vit. D Milk
3. A high-fiber snack such as Wheat Thins or Triscuts.
1. Note... the egg is to provide the protein you've lost after losing sleep. The Vitamin D Milk is good all the time, no matter what, and the fiber snack... well... trust me... that'll help in the morning.
4. If it is your first opportunity to have sex with a woman, turn it down.
   
1. If you hook up with her, she will hold your willingness against you.
2. If she actually let you hook up with her, you will hold her willingness against her.
3. There's about a 60% chance that neither of you have a condom. NOT WORTH IT.
5. Top 5 things a woman says that indicates you should run the fuck away
1. "I just broke up with my boyfriend,"
1. Really means, "I just had a fight with my boyfriend and I want to use you to piss him off."
2. Could also mean, "I never had a boyfriend, I'm just have Herpes and I'm desperate."
3. Also, "I really need a drink, and I'm going to let you stare at my chest for the duration of this drink/shot, and then bail."
2. "BUY ME A SHOT."
1. Yea, never dude. Just... never.
3. "You see that guy over there? (pause)"
1. That guy could be the guy she's comparing you with... in either case, he's sizing you up the entire time. If you want to be a badass, go for it... but she's gonna be a lot like 1.1 (look up)
2. As soon as you walk away, she will be talking about you (that guy).
4. "It's my birthday tomorrow!"
1. "No shit, bitch? You didn't invite me to any fucking party."
2. "That's cool. Come by here tomorrow and I'll buy you a shot."
3. "Oh, you're probably going to need a ride home tomorrow, right?"
6. If you ever talk to people on the internet while drunk, just be aware that they will probably remember more than you.
   

Workout Regimen

Monday - 30 min of cardio: 10 - stationary bicycle, 10 - row machine, 10 - calisthenics
30 min of free weights.

Wednesday - Weight Machines and Bench Press 3 reps of 12 in 5 lb increments starting at 50% body weight (90, 95, 100 lbs)

Friday - Same as Monday, except 50% longer cardio times. 1 hour of lower-body exercise

Sunday - Weight Machines, Free Weights, Calisthenics

Week One - BP starts at 90 lbs, Free Weights start at 10 lbs with 5 lb incs, Weight Machines start at 30% body weight for upper, 40% for lower.
2800 Calories, No Beef, No Fried Food


Week Four - Bench starts at 100 lbs, 10lb increments. Free Weights start at 20 lbs, Weight Machines start at 35% upper, 45% lower.
3000 Calories, Fish & Chicken only, No Fried Food, Eliminate Smoking

Week Eight - Bench starts at 130 lbs, 10 lb increments. Free Weights start at 30 lbs, Machines at 40% upper, 50% lower.
3000 Calories, Eliminate Carbonated Drinks and reduce alcohol consumption to less than 6 servings/week.

120 Days - Calisthenics every day for 30 minutes. Goal Bench Max is 200 lbs. Machines at 60% upper, 60 % lower. Freeweights at 35 - 50 lbs.

3000 Calories. Goal Weight 180 lbs.

The Fireflies Are Late This Year

I've been getting better and better at ignoring the negative forces in my life lately. As I try to focus more and more on improving my situation by looking forward to attending school in the fall (after a 2 year hiatus) and making better decisions with things like the company I keep, specifically women, there are still stressful pressures that manage to slow me down.

For one thing, smoking is still at the top of my list of things that I need to stop doing. I seem to get sick after being exposed to the weakest germ, and I can expect to be out of commission for about a week in order to heal. This time, it's a nasty cough I picked up from my mother, who I took care of all weekend after she caught the bug. It's one of those terrible achy, itchy-throat coughs that keeps me up at night and ruins any chance I might have at a productive day.

Other negative things, like the constant reappearing act of DC can be very discouraging. Last night, as the time drew closer to last call at work, DC suddenly appeared at my side and tried to start a conversation. She could tell that I didn't really want to talk to her and asked me if I was mad at her. I shouldn't have dignified it with a response, but the alcohol admitted right away that I was very pissed.
"Why?" she asked.
I muttered some brief rant about how she had a gift for rocking the boat only to swim away. At some point, she suggested that we hang out. As she departed, she said, "Call me tomorrow." I remember scoffing, and returning with "No, you call me..." to which she agreed.

Of course, she didn't call today. Only a very non-committal text asking what I was up to tonight. Since that doesn't qualify, I didn't respond.

I've come to decide that the ball is basically in her court. In order for DC to have a chance with me, she's going to have to work at least as hard as I did when I first met her, if not harder.

The other disappointing thing about last night was that long before DC showed up, another girl that I'd asked out (who responded in kind that she had feelings for me) came to Finn's with who I can only assume is her new boyfriend. So that was a bit rough.

But that's really not a very big deal. Last week, I had the opportunity to get to know LC, a girl I'd had a crush on (as far as appearance goes) and even got her number. She was pretty enthusiastic about it, too. She had that very endearing eagerness that shows she's both humble and honest. I believe we're supposed to hang out after I get off work on Thursday, so we'll see where that leads. Plus, when I spoke to a friend of hers, they offered up that she'd be back from out of town by Wednesday, before I even brought up her name. Interesting.

Yeah Here Come The Rooster, Yeah

When I first moved here at the tender age of eight, my mother did her best to secure a home loan on a house in a subdivision on the west side of town. When we moved into the house, the back yard was essentially a cow pasture. She chose a house on the corner of the street so that we'd have a tiny front lawn and a huge back yard. The front was definitely a lawn, with transplanted sod from my neighbor's perfectly manicured grass.

She worked hand over foot for various boutiques and stores until deciding to apply for a loan to go to nursing school. Becoming a nurse was her lifelong dream, and finally she was going to get her LPN degree from the community college a couple towns away. At 39 years old, she wasn't exactly the youngest student. I remember the day she found out that she'd passed the state boards to be licensed as a registered nurse, or RN. We were at a family reunion somewhere in Kentucky. My sister and I were just getting to bed, and amidst all the clamor and rifling between my uncles and cousins, she just started screaming. I thought there might have been a snake in the cabin. It didn't take long before her screams became more coherent and we all clearly heard her say, "I passed! Oh, thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Father!"

Tonight, she'll be walking up a stage to receive the most prestigious honor for a Nurse in my area's 11 hospitals. The Nurse of the Year award.

With my brother and sister both several states away, I'm the only person who lives close enough to attend and cheer for her. But I'm not just cheering for her as a nurse. I'm cheering for her as a mother. I'm cheering for her amazing ability to balance classes to get her RN while working as an LPN, and keeping our bellies full and toes warm for all those years.

Last night was a rough night for me, but I'm going to put venting about it on hold for now. All I can think about is how proud I am of my mom. And what better gift to receive with Mother's Day just around the corner? My buttons are busting. God, I'm so happy.

Strange New Days

Yesterday, I put on a shirt that I haven't worn in a long time. One that used to fit well and even flatter my figure. People used to say, "Oh I like that shirt," and that would make me smile. Yesterday, when I looked in the mirror after putting that shirt on, I noticed the bulb-shape of my abdomen and cringed. I have a beer-belly. I'm not at all fat... but I'm certainly not skinny anymore.

In high school, I was just like this. My sophomore year was spent cautiously studying food nutrition labels as I abstained from soda, candy and junk food in general. I worked out every day by playing basketball or lifting weights or doing calisthenics. I kept this up until I met my ex-girlfriend, who I would date for three years, who introduced me to drinking, and ultimately binging (after our break-up).

Today, I woke up for the first time and didn't have anything in my throat to cough up. It was as though I had been sleeping in a "clean room" like the quarantines of a major hospital. Or maybe a snug tent out in the arid climate of the southwest desert.

I'm thinking about how, two nights ago, I found out from a friend of my ex that my dog, Carter died by a freak electrocution. It was an accident, of course, but when I heard the news I was unprepared. I set down my glass and tried to take the next turn at my pool game. I made the shot, but shortly after, the weight of it poured in like cake batter into a barrel. Heavier and thicker and harder to carry. I had to go outside and have a cigarette. I knew what was coming. It was the insane pressure of dealing with my never-lost feelings for my ex. Mixed with this love were the unmistakable pangs of hurt that arrive from finding out more truths-- truths she had always denied but turned out to be true.

Of course, my ex's friend came out to console me and out of nowhere, I blurted out between manly huffs (the kind that just barely hold down tears) "This is the last thing she needs."

I was mourning my dog, of course, but even more I mourned the death of not just an animal, but a connection that I had to my Ex. The last hope, it seemed, that she and I would ever get back together. The last excuse I might have to see her. In the face of all her flaws and misdeeds, her dishonesty, the kind of dishonesty that denies all, but never incriminates-- I just wanted her to be okay. The countless nights I spent squirming around in attempt to grasp the idea that someone else could make her happy were finally outweighed by the realization that her being happy trumps all, even if I am not there.

Now, I hear from my Ex's friend that she is not happy. Not only is she miserable but she clings to the old ideology that she is simply destined to be alone. Her antisocialness was always a problem, even when I held her in my arms and in my heart... and to know that she hasn't rid herself of that blanket of doubt, simply hurts me to the very soul. Ex's friend firmly believes that I should go and see her. Talk to her. Make her feel better.

But I can't. I can't risk my heart for a third or fourth... I've lost count how many times just to boost her ego enough for her to brush me away again. She was once a user of drugs and alcohol. Now, she's a user of people, and that's one addiction she may never beat.

So I look forward to today, thinking that I'll start doing some exercises and work the two shifts I have this morning and later in the afternoon. I'll have money in my pocket and I'll be around true friends. My outlook is for me, not her. And I'll be strong because I know that I've made this decision to ignore her over and over again. This time it's just a tiny tiny bit easier than the last.

Butt scratching and shit kickin.

I only have fifteen minutes or so to write, so forgive me if this is a little brief. Last night at work, I spotted DC just as she was scanning the room. For some reason, after that "date" we went on, I haven't heard from her since. Judging from the way she aborted the meeting after only an hour, based on questionable 'oh yea, I forgot I have to >insert lame excuse here<.'

I mean, any idiot can tell that was pure bs. But something happened and she freaked out. I'm not sure what it was, because based on her pattern of touch and run, I hadn't really done anything that time to warrant her typical fleeing method. Basically, she and I will get close, we'll get a little physical, and then... for some reason, she just freaks out and falls off the planet for a while. Of course, two or three weeks later, I always get that text. "Meet me at busters?" Now, adhering to the glutton theory, which is essentially that I cannot say no to her, even though the result is more predictable than Earth's gravity, I am almost always already drinking when I get this text and my thought process always goes something like, "Hmm... sit here and play pool with a bunch of dudes... or go hang out with a hot chick?" I inevitably choose door number two.

Anyway, that wasn't the only thing about last night. I've sort of come to a realization about some women. It is the fact that there are basically two types of women that I find myself drawn to. Type one is the Pixie. She is aloof and carefree. Often times loving and affectionate, but always a challenge. Then, type two are the Waitresses. Not literally waitresses, but essentially women who touch a lot and flirt indiscriminately. Don't get me wrong, I love women who flirt, so long as they are somewhat classy. As in.. the exact opposite of the chick I played pool with last night. Some guys might disagree, but I don't constitute the grabbing of my crotch from behind and under as a subtle pass. In fact, it's downright whorish. That was one of the things I liked about DC-- her ability to be subtle.

But knowing now that I actually might have "types" (which is something I vehemently denied in the past) it's easier to navigate through the garbage that I seem to be fed by women who are facetious about my emotions.

Back to the basics... of fishing

Saturday afternoon my father and I went fishing in a nearby creek. I was excited about it because, for one, I finally had the chance to enjoy some of the mild weather we've been having here. Plus, I haven't been fishing in a long time. So long, in fact, that my father dusted off a tackle box I haven't used in six years, and it still had all my fishing lures in it. Of course, all the rubber lures had disintegrated, so I was reduced to using spinners and the like.

Now, the embarrassing part of it was that I had to relearn how to cast. It wasn't like riding a bike... at all. On two separate occasions, I snagged my father's pants with a rooster tail. Once, I somehow got it hung up on a support beam under a bridge. By the end of the trip, I estimated that I'd lost about $35 in fishing gear.

On the bright side, my father offered to take me to walmart next week so we can renew our fishing licenses and buy some tackle. Sweet!