A Drunk's Guide To Survival

1. When entering any household where you want to create as little noise as possible, do the following:
1. Take off your shoes before entering.
2. Roll up your pants if they scrape at your heels.
3. Stare at a dark spot before opening the door. Your eyes will adjust to the absence of light, therefore facilitating the prevention of collision with inanimate objects.
4. Breathe through your nose.
2. If anyone ever asks you if you are trying to get home with a girl, always say no. Why?
1. Because she may overhear the conversation.
2. It'll encourage him to try harder, and make you look better.
3. It would just be tacky to say "yes."
   
3. When choosing a midnight snack, try to have the following available:
1. A hard-boiled egg
2. At least one cup of Vit. D Milk
3. A high-fiber snack such as Wheat Thins or Triscuts.
1. Note... the egg is to provide the protein you've lost after losing sleep. The Vitamin D Milk is good all the time, no matter what, and the fiber snack... well... trust me... that'll help in the morning.
4. If it is your first opportunity to have sex with a woman, turn it down.
   
1. If you hook up with her, she will hold your willingness against you.
2. If she actually let you hook up with her, you will hold her willingness against her.
3. There's about a 60% chance that neither of you have a condom. NOT WORTH IT.
5. Top 5 things a woman says that indicates you should run the fuck away
1. "I just broke up with my boyfriend,"
1. Really means, "I just had a fight with my boyfriend and I want to use you to piss him off."
2. Could also mean, "I never had a boyfriend, I'm just have Herpes and I'm desperate."
3. Also, "I really need a drink, and I'm going to let you stare at my chest for the duration of this drink/shot, and then bail."
2. "BUY ME A SHOT."
1. Yea, never dude. Just... never.
3. "You see that guy over there? (pause)"
1. That guy could be the guy she's comparing you with... in either case, he's sizing you up the entire time. If you want to be a badass, go for it... but she's gonna be a lot like 1.1 (look up)
2. As soon as you walk away, she will be talking about you (that guy).
4. "It's my birthday tomorrow!"
1. "No shit, bitch? You didn't invite me to any fucking party."
2. "That's cool. Come by here tomorrow and I'll buy you a shot."
3. "Oh, you're probably going to need a ride home tomorrow, right?"
6. If you ever talk to people on the internet while drunk, just be aware that they will probably remember more than you.